Change: Get Used To It, Get Over It, or Get Out Of The Way

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Change: Get Used To It, Get Over It, or Get Out Of The Way

By Plynn Gutman, MFA, CPC   When we choose to initiate change, it often disrupts the status quo, and we become the change agent for everyone around us. Take Peter, the pleaser in his family — the one who always defers or stays silent. This has been his place for a long time. But Peter’s recent life experiences have shown him that this is not serving him or moving him forward in life. He chooses to change. His family only knows him the way he was, and the way he is becoming makes them uncomfortable because now they must find new ways to interact with him. At a time when Peter could use their support, they are all too flustered by their personal discomfort — maybe unconsciously so — to be helpful to him. For those of us like Peter, it is best to take the attitude  — kindly, of course — that others simply need to “get used to it, get over it, or get out of the way.” Get used to it:  It will take time for some to adjust to the changes in you. These are the curious ones, who will begin to make the effort to shift their behavior to meet yours. Be patient with them, as they will eventually become your support system. Get over it:  Some will always have difficulty with the changes you make because they struggle with behaviors of their own and may not be willing, or are too afraid, to change. Your success is only a reminder of their inability to take action for themselves. Offer them compassion but stand your ground. Get out of the way:  There may be someone in your life who will never accept the changes you make, even if all the evidence shows that you are happier and healthier. To try to offer explanation will only exacerbate the divide between you and rob the joy of your accomplishment. In this case, limit conversation or even contact with him/her. Offer loving thoughts, but leave them on the sideline of your new path.

Coaching Tip: 

As you make changes in your life, consciously notice which of your loved ones can “get used to it,” which ones need to “get over it,” and which ones must “get out of the way.” The more quickly you are aware of how your friends, family and coworkers are reacting to the new you, the easier your process of change will become. Working with a professional coach can not only help you determine the best strategies for communication, but also work with what comes up personally for you as you issue change!

 

Plynn Gutman

About the Author:

Plynn Gutman, MFA, is a Certified Professional Coach and Energy Practitioner. Her coaching focuses on helping clients issue change and discover their own unique balance between career, relationships, health, and creativity.   Contact Plynn Gutman at Plynn@the-integrated-life.com, or visit her on the web at http://www.The-Integrated-Life.com http://www.yourliminalspace.com. You can also reach her on Twitter at plynngutman.

When the Story Holds You – Lifting the Emotional Baggage

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Courtesy of Sattva @ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When the Story Holds You – Lifting the Emotional Baggage

By Jewel Ray Chaudhuri, Ph.D.

The stories we tell ourselves can take hold of us for days, weeks, or even years. They can produce drama and a whole host of things we tell ourselves, including anger, sorrow, sadness, and often self-doubt, especially for us as women. The hold of the story is laden with emotional baggage, taking us back to the past rather than being in the present. It can cause the “should” or “if only,” or better yet, “if I had done x, then y would or wouldn’t have happened.” Sometimes, the story shifts to blame: “Well, if she hadn’t done x, then he wouldn’t have done y.”

Its not that stories are “bad.” We exist in and live through our telling of stories. Stories become problematic when we have too much invested in the outcome or when they cause us not to fully “be.” A “good” story can also have this effect. When we have so much invested in the story that we are afraid to let it go, we lose our power and can become the victim.

Do you have such a story? I did. I went through all the emotions, the “shoulds,” the self-doubt, and the times of reflecting on the past when I could be living my present.

Coaching Tip:

Rewrite your story consciously. If the story is gripping you and you’re struggling with its rewrite, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  1. Do I want or need to let go of the story? Am I ready to give up this story and create a new one?
  2. What judgments am I making about my desire to hold on to the story?
  3. What fears and emotions are calling me to hold on to the story? What is calling me to give it up?
  4. If I could create a new story with different possibilities, what would the new story look like?
  5. What action could bring me closer to letting go of the story? What could I tell myself instead?

About the Author:  Jewel Ray Chaudhuri, Ph.D.

Jewel

Jewel’s passion is working with seasoned and emerging female business leaders to deepen voice and connect to their power so that they can lead from a place of strength. She is the founder of  Power-Coeur Coaching and the 2014 ICF Phoenix VP Communications. Connect with Jewel at  jewel@power-coeurcoaching.com, or at (623) 748-7572.

Hiding in Plain Sight

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Hiding in Plain Sight

by Tammy Farrell

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You’d never know that someone awesome is hiding in this box, would you?

So MAYBE you’ve got an idea that someone is in there.   Is whoever is in there trying to get out?

Or is he trying to stay inside and not be discovered? It’s difficult to tell, but he seems to be in there by choice.  No one is holding the box. There’s no tension in his face showing that he’s there unwillingly.  You can even see a bit of a smile.

We all like to hide at times. It can be a safe cocoon keeping us from risking potential rejection, failure, or even from being in the limelight when we don’t feel ready for it.

I’ve hidden behind the success of others, being the busy person helping behind the scenes at events, and most notably, behind my weight.  That’s tough to say that out loud but it’s true. I was scared of rejection, afraid of me being the one to say that “I’m not interested,” and fearful that I’d be losing my excuse for why I haven’t done the things I not-so-secretly wanted to do.

I’ll go on that trip once I’m thin.

I’m going to ask for the promotion that I deserve once I look like I’d fit in more.

After I lose 100 lbs, life is going to be so good!

If your extra weight were gone in a snap, would you be ready to live the life you’ve said you’ve always wanted?  Weight loss can certainly be a turning point in someone’s life. It can sometimes erase health issues that are scary or just a pain to deal with. Maybe you’d be able to wear a watch for the first time in 10 years.  Maybe you’d be asked out on a date. Maybe you wouldn’t need to ask for a seat belt extension…or bring your own.

Coaching Tip:

Whether it’s weight loss, staying safe in a relationship that isn’t horrible, or that job that pays the bills, hiding keeps us in our comfort zone.  You don’t need to decide to do something grand. You don’t need to take a stand on Capitol Hill. And you don’t need to figure it all out before you start living your life.

What dream do you have that you can do SOMETHING toward this week? Pick one small thing that you can do to move towards that dream, and do it!

About the Author:

Tammy FarrellTammy Farrell is a former corporate executive who knows that success comes as a result of action. Her philosophy comes through in her coaching style with value-centered actions serving as the primary catalysts for change.  Tammy’s company is Believe In Action Coaching where she specializes in partnering with clients as they navigate through the weight loss surgery process toward an exciting new life.

And yes, Tammy is also a weight loss surgery patient (Mayo Clinic 2012).  She loves the active life she enjoys with her sons and is grateful for the health and energy benefits that she’s gained following her own weight loss surgery.

To contact Tammy, visit http://believeinaction.com, or email her at Tammy@believeinaction.com.

Shift from Good to Great with Emotional Intelligence

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Shift from Good to Great with Emotional Intelligence

by Sally Stamp, BSN, MC, BCC

Photo credit: Snežana Trifunović / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is now thought to be an important character attribute that allows individuals to shift from good to great.  Having a high EQ (emotional quotient) can be the single factor that differentiates leaders who have equally high IQ and talents or abilities. 

The good news is that emotional intelligence can be learned and improved with focus and intention.

Development of EI is consistent with a coaching approach to any desired behavior change.  It begins with awareness of current levels before exploring choice and designing action.  Coaches can help clients improve EQ and overall personal and professional effectiveness.

A useful tool for coaching conversations is a model by Marcia Hughes of Collaborative Growth, LLC.  The Four Corners of Empathetic Assertiveness  (www.cgrowth.com) provides a framework for exploring EI competencies.

Consider the four corners:

Empathy:  the ability to feel compassion and concern for the circumstances of others.

Assertiveness:  the ability to communicate what is needed, including expected accountability.

Impulse Control:  the ability to manage emotions and actions, especially when things go wrong.

Optimism:  the belief that things can be resolved; a sense of hopefulness that can inspire others.

Coaching Tip:

Decide to explore these four areas with respect to a specific experience.  For example, as a senior leader, notice how you respond when challenged to provide an immediate answer to a complicated question or demand.

Am I empathetic?  Do I have some understanding of what underlies the request and how important it is to the person making the request?

Am I being assertive?  Do I clearly convey the need for some time to investigate the matter before rendering an answer?

How well am I managing my impulses?  Do I function from a place of thinking rather than feeling so that my words and actions are controlled and respectful?

What level of optimism do I convey?  Do I offer some degree of confidence that the matter will be resolved satisfactorily?

With frequent reference to the model, you can assess your progress in all of the areas.  Looking at the Four Corners may help keep you from getting backed into a corner where you might get stuck with no easy way out.

About the Author:

  Sally Starbuck StampSally Starbuck Stamp, BSN, MC, BCC E-mail: sally@giftedleaders.com Phone: 602-200-0048

About Gifted Leaders Gifted Leaders, LLC is an established executive/team coaching and organization development consultancy based in Metro Phoenix, AZ, serving clients nationwide. Our talented coaches and consultants specialize in delivering customized programs for individual leadership development, leadership coaching, team coaching, team development and organization development.